Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Light Bulb

Thanks my lovely friend Penny Lane for this super cute photo!

Yesterday I went on a stroll through Mount Lawley en-route to our weekly mums & bubs picnic in Hyde Park (I love my mama ladies!). The sun was shining, I had a delicious coffee in hand and I was wearing a cute spring frock and Tallulah was happily gurgling in her pram when suddenly everything felt SO right. I'm going to try and explain this but its kind of hard to put into words.

Since Tallulah was an instant baby (a friend called her a polaroid baby- haha cute!) and we were just beginning a 3 month around the world trip to explore places that I had never been I have to honestly say I felt a little jipped. Not in a resentful way, I have never felt resentment towards Tallulah I just felt like something I really wanted to experience just wasn't going to happen. So perhaps a sense of disappointment because for 6 months we had been planning, planning, planning this major 'life-adventure' and it had to be abandoned for reason out of our control. Those months should have been spent planning another 'life adventure' a baby. I feel sometimes I missed out of all those right of passages like sonograms, baby shopping, baby shower and generally the mental preparation. I have never experienced a disappointment feeling like this before. Its a strange feeling.

I also spent some time in the early months of Tallulah's life mourning my dream trip which I was suppose to be doing with my love of my life. We were suppose to be eating waffles in Belgium, drinking beer in Portland and kissing in Paris and celebrating my birthday in New York. At times it was hard for me accept that these 3 months would be replaced with nappies, breastfeeding,vomit and sleepless nights.

Ross instantly accepted his new role as a Dad. For some reason I struggled a little more with the idea that I was now a Mum not a footloose and fancy free 28-year-old living it up in delightful foreign countries. It took me a bit longer to adjust. I am actually surprised how well I have adjusted. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I have a little boo-hoo. I think thats pretty impressive for someone who considers herself a bit emo! I TRULY believe that maternal instinct just clicks. It amazes me how I feel toward this little tiny person. Pure simple love. Love forever. Its pretty dreamy.

Now I must say Ross has been one amazing man. He promises we will be going on an American adventure next year and also assures me there are going to be many more overseas trips to come. Its probably not the same style of adventure we would have initially planned but nonetheless I know its going to be an amazing family adventure. I am excited. I dream of going to Portland, San Fran, New York and all the other places we were planning of going. I can not wait to share these new places with Tallulah.

So yesterday my feeling 'rightness' was really lovely. I suddenly realised (haha only took 6 months) that I was happy through and through. Even though I know our overseas trip will mend that little piece of my heart which still longs to see new countries and places but the rest of it is filled with joy to have this tiny human in my life. Its a nice feeling, truly!

7 comments:

sassandspice said...

I can't imagine what it would have been like for you but hey your birth story is freaking amazing. I mean how many people can claim they were having a big world trip and in Japan gave birth to a 'surprise' baby? That really is the experience of a lifetime and now you have this precious little person in your life. Your husband is right, future holidays will come...those places can wait :)

Renee said...

Yep! Its all true she is one special little lady and I know there will be some super holiday adventures to come! yippee!

raisedbywolffs said...

I think it's fair to mourn the plans you had and the plans you didn't get to make. I'm glad that time is healing that and you are getting to enjoy your time with your beautiful girl.

Renee said...

So true I have realised time heals everything but its also oh-so precious!

emmie gemmie said...

I can see why you would have moments of sadness about the trip you didn't get to take. Having a baby is the biggest life change ever and most of us get 9 months to get used to the idea! I don't know how I would have handled having it just 'sprung' on me.

Glad that you had a sense of peace about the situation. You will no doubt have some amazing family holidays coming up!!

fifi said...

as emmie said - i had 9 months to prepare and it STILL took me by surprise. we've done a fair bit of travelling but still had loads more to do....family travel will be different but we're determined! and everyone has their demons - yours is coming to terms with missing out on your trip. i've cried more than i've ever cried in my life since becoming a mama and from an outsiders point of view you seem to be doing a great job - almost so good i sometimes don't wanna read your posts cause my 5 month old has been fairly challenging! but i realise, as you point out, everyone has something they are finding a challenge. keep rockin' - we just need to all stop thinking and just live in the moment with our teeny humans!

Renee said...

thanks fifi- your words mean a lot! Its crazy how consuming a baby is and it also gives me lots of time to think about everything and anything. Ross and I are in such a strange place we're not sure if we want to move state, country, go travelling or stay in Perth! This is weird thing for a Town Planner and a Event Planner we are used to knowing and planning everything! haha