Fork

So over last couple of months I have been faced with a tough decision of whether I should return to work.  I think I knew the whole time I was stressing (oh yeah there were tears!) about it that it was out of my control and I wouldn't be going back to my much loved job this year. As I mentioned previously on my blog Tallulah and I have been at war over the dreaded bottle. She refused to take it. A battle obviously I have lost haha! In the end I just couldn't visualise how it was going to work. There was too many obstacles from who was going to look after her when my job got hectic and I needed to work more than 1 day a week to how was the person (my mama!) going to cope with a grumbling baby who refuses to drink from a bottle. Impossible. 

I am a project manager and work in the fashion and events industry which means long hours, hard work and lots parties! I love it and I have always been super career focussed where my job sometimes consumes me. It was really hard for me to tell my boss and my work friends I wouldn't/couldn't be part of the team this year. It really hurt my heart.

I felt like a little bit of Renee was being put into the freezer. My career has always kind of been who I was which sounds a little strange but the fashion/arts industry is a my type of lifestyle and I am pretty passionate about it and live and breathe it. But to be fair, as I have been so focussed on Tallulah and Ross and being a little family I feel like it I wouldn't be able to switch off and be 100% there and to be honest my job requires that! How do some mama's go back after 6 weeks? I am in awe of you, you are my heroes! I always thought I would be able to do the same, to juggle both career and motherhood but jolly-gosh it would be oh-so hard.

Next year (if we are still in Perth!) is a different story. Tallulah will be 12+ months and not so dependant on me. I will no longer be her walking fridge which means she can stay at her grandmas house and I won't have to worry so much as to whether she is getting enough milk as she will be able to eat real food- yippee! I am going to try out the juggle and see if I can keep all the balls in the air. I'm sure I can do, it will just take a little bit of practise!

I am trying to be a half-glass full mama and decided my new situation gives me 12 months to focus on being the best mama to Tallulah and figuring this whole baby/mama thing out. Its quite mind boggling but I'm pretty excited about it. It means I can spend Wednesdays with my mama (her day off!) and Tallulah, crafting and gossiping. Its quite delightful. My clever mama crocheted Tallulah that most awesome owl beanie. She is teaching me how to knit. It means I can spend Tuesdays with my Mum & Bubs group who I adore. It means Tallulah gets my undivided attention which is nice. As I'm writing this it actually seems quite idyllic....!

Light Bulb

Thanks my lovely friend Penny Lane for this super cute photo!

Yesterday I went on a stroll through Mount Lawley en-route to our weekly mums & bubs picnic in Hyde Park (I love my mama ladies!). The sun was shining, I had a delicious coffee in hand and I was wearing a cute spring frock and Tallulah was happily gurgling in her pram when suddenly everything felt SO right. I'm going to try and explain this but its kind of hard to put into words.

Since Tallulah was an instant baby (a friend called her a polaroid baby- haha cute!) and we were just beginning a 3 month around the world trip to explore places that I had never been I have to honestly say I felt a little jipped. Not in a resentful way, I have never felt resentment towards Tallulah I just felt like something I really wanted to experience just wasn't going to happen. So perhaps a sense of disappointment because for 6 months we had been planning, planning, planning this major 'life-adventure' and it had to be abandoned for reason out of our control. Those months should have been spent planning another 'life adventure' a baby. I feel sometimes I missed out of all those right of passages like sonograms, baby shopping, baby shower and generally the mental preparation. I have never experienced a disappointment feeling like this before. Its a strange feeling.

I also spent some time in the early months of Tallulah's life mourning my dream trip which I was suppose to be doing with my love of my life. We were suppose to be eating waffles in Belgium, drinking beer in Portland and kissing in Paris and celebrating my birthday in New York. At times it was hard for me accept that these 3 months would be replaced with nappies, breastfeeding,vomit and sleepless nights.

Ross instantly accepted his new role as a Dad. For some reason I struggled a little more with the idea that I was now a Mum not a footloose and fancy free 28-year-old living it up in delightful foreign countries. It took me a bit longer to adjust. I am actually surprised how well I have adjusted. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I have a little boo-hoo. I think thats pretty impressive for someone who considers herself a bit emo! I TRULY believe that maternal instinct just clicks. It amazes me how I feel toward this little tiny person. Pure simple love. Love forever. Its pretty dreamy.

Now I must say Ross has been one amazing man. He promises we will be going on an American adventure next year and also assures me there are going to be many more overseas trips to come. Its probably not the same style of adventure we would have initially planned but nonetheless I know its going to be an amazing family adventure. I am excited. I dream of going to Portland, San Fran, New York and all the other places we were planning of going. I can not wait to share these new places with Tallulah.

So yesterday my feeling 'rightness' was really lovely. I suddenly realised (haha only took 6 months) that I was happy through and through. Even though I know our overseas trip will mend that little piece of my heart which still longs to see new countries and places but the rest of it is filled with joy to have this tiny human in my life. Its a nice feeling, truly!